Posts Tagged ‘Jokes’
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
English is really crazy.There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
Here is a simple explanation and is written in easy to understand mode.
One cannot make this simpler. Now you know how the economic crisis happened
EXPLAINED…
{ IN SIMPLE ,THE DESI WAY }
Khaja Bhai is the proprietor of a Nehari Shop in Hyderabad .
Sales are low and, in order to increase them, he comes up with a plan to allow his customers to eat now and pay later.
He keeps track of the meals consumed on a ledger.
Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flock to Khaja Bhai’s Hotel.
Khaja Bhai’s suppliers are delighted and are very willing to sell more and more raw materials for the meals he prepares.
Khaja Bhai shows them his ledger of receivables and they extend him credit.
A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and gives
Khaja Bhai a credit line and then increases his borrowing limit.
Taking advantage of his customers’ freedom from immediate payment constraints, Khaja jacks up the prices of his Nehari, Kulche, Jabde, Paaya and Zabaan.
Customers don’t mind as they are not required to pay on the spot anyway.
Sales volume increases massively, Banks and suppliers lend more;
Khaja Bhai opens more outlets.
He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the customers as collateral.
At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert bankers recognize Khaja’s
customer loans as assets and transform these into BONDS.
These negotiable instruments are given exotic names such as
JABDA BOND,
PAAYA BOND,
ZABAAN BOND
&
KULCHA BOND.
These securities are then listed on the Stock Exchange and traded on markets worldwide.
No one really understands what the names mean and how the securities are guaranteed, but, nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.
One day, although the prices are still climbing, a credit risk manager of the bank decides that the time has come to demand payment of one of the debts incurred by Khaja Bhai.
Khaja in turn asks his clients to pay up.
One by one they refuse; the clients cannot pay back the debts.
Khaja Bhai refuses to serve them any more.
The clients stop coming. Khaja is really screwed now.
He cannot fulfill his loan obligations and therefore claims bankruptcy.
All Bonds drop in price by between 80 to 95%.
The suppliers of Khaja, having granted generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with similar problems.
The Meat Supplier defaults on payment to the Cattle Supplier and claims bankruptcy.
The Kulche Ka Aata supplier is taken over by a competitor;
Khaja lays off the cook and staff.
Bankruptcies soar, unemployment mushrooms.
The bank that lent the money in the first place is set to collapse.
It is later saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties with Khaja Bhai commuting back and forth in his Executive Jet and Mercedes 500SEL, brokering the deal.
The funds required to save the economic collapse are obtained by a tax levied on the common citizens,
Most Of Whom, Do Not Eat
No Nehari,
No Zabaan,
No Sirey,
No Paya…!!!
GOLMAAL KI JAI HO…!!!
HOPE YOU UNDERSTOOD
SQL Queries with Fun and Laughs
WeddingQuery. ……. …….. (SQL Style)
HUSBANDS QUERY
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 | CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage (BrideGroom Male (25) ,Bride Female(20) ) Sisters =Null AS BEGIN SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides WHERE FatherInLaw = ‘Millionaire’ AND Count(Car) > 20 AND HouseStatus =’ThreeStoreyed’ AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having Brothers= Null AND SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw UPDATE MyBankAccout SETMyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES(‘BMW’) |
Then the wife writes the below query:
1 2 | DROP HUSBAND; Commit; |
A long time ago in China , a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn’t get along with her mother-in-law at all.
Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law’ s habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.
Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting.
But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li’s poor husband! D great distress.
Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-! law’s bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it! Li-Li went to see her father’s good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs.
She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.
Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, “Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you.”
Li-Li said, “Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do.”Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, “You can’t use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving.
Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect you, when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. “Don’t argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen.” Li-Li was so happy.
She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.
Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper!r, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.
After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn’t had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.
The mother-in-law’ s attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in- law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.
Li-Li’s husband was very happy to see what was happening. One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again She said, “Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law. She’s changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her.”
Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. “Li-Li, there’s nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her.”
HAVE YOU REALIZED that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? There is a wise Chinese saying: “The person who loves others will also be loved in return.” God might be trying to work in another person’s life through you. Send this to your friends and spread the POWER OF LOVE.
You can be a Doctor and save lives…
You can be a Lawyer and defend lives…
You can be a Soldier and protect lives…
But why to play with others’ lives???
So we simply became engineers to screw up our own lives;)
Life Without Mechanical Engineer
Life Without Computer Engineers
Life Without Communication Engineers
Life Without Aeronautic Engineers
Life Without Electrical Engineers
BMW Brings Me Women
FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD For Only Rough Drivers
VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
OPEL Old People Enjoying Life
TOYOTA The One You Only Trust, Always
GOLF/GTI Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside
HONDA Hanged Over, Now Driving Away
KIA Kills In Accidents
Equation 1
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy
Therefore:
Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work
In other words,
A Human that doesn’t know how to enjoy = Donkey
that
works.
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++++
Equation 2
Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money
Therefore:
Man-earn money = Donkey
In other words
Man who doesn’t earn money = Donkey
> > ++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++
Equation 3
Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore:
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman – spend = Donkey
In other words,
Woman who doesn’t spend = Donkey
++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++
To Conclude:
From Equation 2 and Equation 3
Man who doesn’t earn money = Woman who
doesn’t
spend
So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!
So, We have:
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend
money
Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily
together!
This is a touching poem someone has forwarded to me, Some ignorants cannot control their desires and innocents have to pay for their mistakes.
Sweet boy writing to mom
I went to a party Mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I drank soda instead.
I really felt proud inside, Mom, The way you said I would.
I didn’t drink and drive, Mom, Even though the others said I should. I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom, As everyone is driving out of sight. As I got into my car, Mom, I knew I’d get home in one piece. Because of the way you raised me, So responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom, But as I pulled out into the road, The other car didn’t see me, Mom, And hit me like a load.
As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I hear the policeman say, “The other guy is drunk,” Mom,
And now I’m the one who will pay. I’m lying here dying, Mom…. I wish you’d get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst like a balloon. There is blood all around me, Mom,
And most of it is mine. I hear the medic say, Mom, I’ll die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn’t drink. It was the others, Mom. The others didn’t think.
He was probably at the same party as I. The only difference is, he drank And I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life. I’m feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife. The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, And I don’t think it’s fair. I’m lying here dying And all he can do is stare. Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be brave. And when I go to heaven, Mom, Put “GOOD BOY ” on my grave. Someone should have told him, Mom, Not to drink and drive. If only they had told him, Mom, I would still be alive. My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I’m becoming very scared. Please don’t cry for me, Mom. When I needed you, you were always there. I have one last question, Mom. Before I say good bye. I didn’t drink and drive, So why am I the one to die? Someone took the effort to write this poem. So please, forward this to as many people as you can. And see if we can get a chain going around the world that will make people understand that don’t mix drinking and driving.
