» IT Jokes

List of upcoming corporate movie names – Horror

admin — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 03:25:10 +0000

Upcoming Horror movies in IT…….

(1) Darinda manager, tadapta associate … !!!!

(2) Zahreela Cafetaria .. !!!

(3)Who Akhri Mail………………

(4) Adamkhor supervisor

(5)Escalation- A Life in trouble

(6)9 Ghante 15 Minute

(7)Ichadhari Customer

(8) I still know what you Missed(goals) last summer

(9) Release ki Raat

(10)Do Excel aur Barah PPT

(11)REGRESSION – RELOADED

(12)Miss– Mano ya na Mano…………….!!!

(13) Zahereelee Defect

(14) Evil DM

(15)Bhut wala Floor

(16)Dashboard- The mystery continues………

(17) “ENTER” mat dabana………….

(18)Andha Cab driver… !!!

(19)Sunsan Pantry– A murder mystery.. !!!

(20)Recession – Jaani dushman

Few more…..

— Appraisal Ki Pyaas

— Badla Developer Ka

— Trainer Bana Shaitaan

— Manager ki Cheekh

—Client Ka Qaher!!!!!!!!!!!

—Weekend kaViraana Cubicle!!!!!!!!!!!!!

—-One night at the Khauff center

and the ultimate…. last but not the least………………….………

Khooni Call

Killer Technology

admin — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 12:35:03 +0000

Operator: Hello Pizza Hut!
Customer: Hello, can you please take my order?

Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?
Customer: Yeah! Hold on….. My number is 889861356102049998-45-54610

Operator : OK… you’re… Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. You are calling from you home number now.
Customer: (Astronished) How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : We are connected to the system, Sir.

Customer: May I order your Seafood Pizza…
Operator : That’s not a good idea Sir.

Customer: How come?
Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, sir.

Customer: What?… What do you recommend then?
Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You’ll like it.
Customer: How do you know for sure?
Operator : You borrowed a book entitled ‘Popular Hokkien Dishes’ from the National Library last week, sir.

Customer: OK I give up… Give me three family size ones then.
Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs. 2,450.

Customer: Can I pay by! credit card?
Operator : I’m afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $1,51,758 since October last year. That’s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.

Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.
Operator : You can’t Sir. Based on the records, you’ve even your overdraft limit.

Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I’ll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?
Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can’t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle.
Customer: What?
Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a motorcycle registration number 1123.
Customer: ” ????” (hmmm.. these guys know my motorcyle number too!)

Operator : Is there anything else, sir?
Customer: Nothing.! .. by the way… aren’t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?
Operator : We normally would sir, but based on your records you’re also diabetic… In the best interest of your health, we are holding this offer for you.

Customer: (now pissed) ***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!)))
Operator: Better watch your language sir. Remember on 15th July 2007 you were imprisoned for 2 months and fined Rs.5,000 for using abusive language against a policeman…?

Customer: Faints…

Kaash ke Insaan computer hota

admin — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 12:08:19 +0000

Dil agar “CPU” hota to aapki sabhi yadon ko “SAVE” Kar sakte..
Dimag me agar “PRINTER” hota to khayallo ka ”PRINT OUT” nikal lete..
Dhadkan me agar “PEN DRIVE” hoti to zindagi ka back up lete…. …
Mann me jo “BLUETOOTH”hota to baton ko transfer kar lete..
Ankhon me jo “WEBCAM”hota to tasvir ko receive kar lete…
Kash Zindagi bhi ek “COMPUTER” hoti to use bhi RESTART kr lete..
Kaaash aisa hota?

Johny Johny …..Yes Papa…. (Job Theme)

admin — Tue, 17 May 2011 19:43:04 +0000

Johny Johny …..Yes Papa….

Pvt Company….Yes Papa…..

Any Motivation…No Papa…

Many Tension…..Yes Papa…..

Do u Sleep well…..No Papa…..

Onsite Opportunity….No papa….

Boss Ki Galiyan….Yes Papa………

Increment …..Ha ha ha

The Facebook Addiction Department – “FAD”

admin — Sun, 15 May 2011 07:11:10 +0000

The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the “Heroin Addiction Department (HAD),” the “Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)” and the “Bingo Addiction Department (BAD).” Then she spotted the department she was looking for: “Facebook Addiction Department (FAD).”

It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering,”I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows.”

A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be all right.”

“I just don’t understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the ‘like’ button.”

“How long has it been?”

“Almost five minutes. That’s like five months in the real world.”

The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.

“Please have a seat, Edna,” he said with a warm smile. “And tell me how it all started.”

“Well, it’s all my grandson’s fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book.”

“How soon were you hooked?”

“Faster than you can say ‘create a profile.’ I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day — and more times at night. Sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My husband didn’t like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced.”

“What do you like most about Facebook?”

“It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I’m even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya.”

“Who’s he?”

“I don’t know, but he’s got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous.”

“Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see.”

“Oh yes. I’ve even connected with some of the gals from high school — I still call them ‘gals.’ I hadn’t heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who’s retired, who’s still working, and who’s had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they’ve been on vacation, which movies they’ve watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I’ve also been playing a game with some of them.”

“Let me guess. Farmville?”

“No, Mafia Wars. I’m a Hitman. No one messes with Edna.”

“Wouldn’t you rather meet some of your friends in person?”

“No, not really. It’s so much easier on Facebook. We don’t need to gussy ourselves up. We don’t need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That’s the best thing about Facebook — you can’t smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I’m pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. ”

“What pic are you using?”

“Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn’t find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon.”

“To make yourself look prettier?”

“No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That’s what I’m using.”

“Didn’t your friends notice that you look different?”

“Some of them did, but I just told them I’ve been doing lots of yoga.”

“When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?”

“I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: ‘I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.’”

“What did you do?”

“What else? I unfriended him of course!”

Please do not read this….

admin — Sun, 15 May 2011 06:06:08 +0000

MINDBLOWING: VIJAYAKANTH’S Dialogues in English

1) U can study and get any certificates. But u cannot get ur death certificate

2) U may have AIRTEL or BSNL connection but when u

sneeze u ll say HUTCH

3 ) U can bcome an engineer if u study in

engineering college. U cannot bcom a president if

u studies in Presidency College

4 ) U can expect a BUS from a BUS stop … u

cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop

5) A mechanical engineer can bcom a mechanic but a

software engineer cannot bcom a software

6 ) U can find tea in teacup. But cannot find world

in world cup

7) U can find keys in Keyboard but u cannot find mother in motherboard.

SQL Queries by Husband and Wife

admin — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 21:38:05 +0000

SQL Queries with Fun and Laughs

WeddingQuery. ……. …….. (SQL Style)

HUSBANDS QUERY

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CREATE PROCEDURE
MyMarriage (BrideGroom Male (25) ,Bride Female(20) )
Sisters =Null
AS
BEGIN

SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides WHERE FatherInLaw = ‘Millionaire’
AND Count(Car) > 20 AND HouseStatus =’ThreeStoreyed’
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA)
AND Having Brothers= Null
AND

SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalance
FROM FatherInLaw

UPDATE MyBankAccout
SETMyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal

UPDATE
MyLocker
SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold

INSERT INTO
MyCarShed VALUES(‘BMW’)

Then the wife writes the below query:

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DROP HUSBAND;
Commit;

Hyderabadi Stage Show – Adrak Ke panje [Part 5]

admin — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 19:44:51 +0000

Advertisement For A Wife !!!

admin — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 03:30:49 +0000

Here come the professional way of searching for a wife,

FISHERMAN
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.

SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor’s around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!

ECONOMIST
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

MATHEMATICIAN
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

IT CONSULTANT
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.

BUSINESS MAN
Wife wanted for company.

POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to
harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society….. ……… … (etc etc and never getting to the point)

CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.

FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.

LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I’m looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled a! nd will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

PILOT
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

SHAAYAR
Burri muddat keh baad eik arazoo jaagi hai, Key hum bee shaadi shooda ho jaayeh, Kya bahaana shaadi karaney ka………. ….. joh kurrey sarey sarey, Yeah mai butaatah hoon ……. Kyoon key yaroo ub khud ghur keh kaam hotah nahee sarey sarey.

ACCOUNTANT
Required a girl – 5’8′ & 36′ 24′ 36′ with a good head for figures. She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.

SHARABI
Wanted a girl. Girl’s father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.

MINICAB DRIVER
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I’m calling from x-ud,erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.

BEGGAR
Allah kay naam peh koi eik biwi dey dey, Doosrey kee nahi to upni hee dey dey, Allah terah bullah kurrey, Tujhey eik key balley doh dey dey, Hillery hogi toh Monika bhi dey dey!

BUILDER
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be
homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

DOCTOR
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it’s fine by me.

ARMY COMMANDO
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful
applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.

RACE CAR DRIVER
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!

ASTRONAUT
I’m searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!

15 Tips to Stay Positive in Negative Situations

admin — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:08:50 +0000

There are times when we must go through negative situations. Maybe people say something negative about us, or they show rejection or even resentment against us. In such situations, it may be difficult to stay positive. We may be inclined to react negatively to them. That won’t do us any good though; doing so will just make the situation worse. People may behave even more negatively to us. Our day would be filled with anger and disappointment. At the end, nobody wins. Though it’s not easy, it’s important to stay positive in negative situations. Beat the negative situations by staying positive. Here are 15 tips on how to do it; pick the ones that work for you:

Never respond when you are not calm. If you are not sure that you are calm, don’t respond. Take time to calm yourself down first.
Take a deep breath as a first step to calm yourself down.
Speak in gentle tone to reduce the tension of the situation.
Realize that you can find opportunities in negative situations. Albert Einstein said: “In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.”
Look at the content of what people say to you for something positive that you can act upon to improve yourself. Don’t just reject the whole messages.
For the rest of the messages which is negative, simply ignore it.
Maintain positive view of the people. Maybe you don’t like their messages or behavior, but that doesn’t mean that you can hate them personally.
Realize that having negative feelings will just hurt you, not them. So there is no reason for you to have any negative feeling.
If you make mistakes, be open to admit it.
If you make mistakes, remember this quote by George Bernard Shaw: “A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.”
If you can, listen to motivational audio program to feed positive thoughts into your mind.
Talk to a positive friend who can encourage you.
Remember your favorite quotes to give you inspiration and motivation. This is one reason why you should have quote of the day.
Look at the negative situations as your training sessions for real life. The higher you climb in life, the worse the negative situations would be, so you’d better be prepared for them.